WHAT HAVE I DONE?? ~ Part 1

A Course in Miracles.

A few years back I was working in the office at another yoga center and a group used to meet there to do "A Course in Miracles". I didn't know what it was, had never heard of it and wasn't interested in finding out. But that brief encounter with that group was enough to put "The Course" on my radar.

Then a few months back, one of my favorite students mentioned that he leads groups through the Course. He started talking about it and everything that he said about the Course was Truth. And everything he said was passion filled belief. Since then It has been like an angel sitting on my shoulder whispering to me.

And so it goes on the spiritual path. This is how you get called. The Truth calls you and once Truth calls, you MUST respond. This is how I was called to teach Yoga. This is how I am being called to focus on healing. And this is how I am being called to change my life.

So once I recognized that this (taking the Course) was what I must do, my ego has been having a freaking field day! "I mean, really now! What the hell do you want with that? Why do you want to put yourself through this? You don't need this." And on and on that bitch will chide me. I even went to several bookstores trying to get the book but could never walk out with one. But I know that I must follow through. So I emailed my favorite student and said, "I'm ready". But he already knew that.

I went by to see him today and he wanted to let me borrow one of his copies until I can get my own. Yeah, I couldn't escape. I tried, trust me. So I left his light-filled presence and came home with the Course. And just having it near me is like a magnet. It is a heavy book of probably 1,000 pages. It feels like a bible and is in many ways. I opened to the preface tonight and already I can feel the shift happening. I haven't even started the lessons yet.

I can't begin to imagine the outcome of this chapter of my life, but I know that I need it, desperately. I am an Aries but when I had my birth chart done, the astrologist told me I was more Pisces than Aries. I asked her if that's why I always feel like I'm drowning.... The Course feels like a lifeline.

"Nothing real can be threatened.

Nothing unreal exists." A Course in Miracles

"Asato ma sad gamaya.

Tamaso ma jyotir gamaya.

Mrtyor ma amrtam gamaya." The Upanishads

(Lead me from the unreal to the Real.

Lead me from darkness to Light.

Lead me from death to Immortality.)

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ps- ALL my students are my favorites!

ps/ps - If you don't know what "A Course in Miracles" is just stay tuned.....

Let's Do the Time Warp Again!

"TIIIIIME is on my side. Yes it is." That's what you think, Mick.


"If I could turn back time. If I could find a way." If you only knew, Cher.


"Tomorrow's right around the corner. I'll get there somehow. But I'm stuck in the meantime and I love the Now." Ok, now that's what I'm talking about, Jimmy!


A few months ago my daughter, Marley, became obsessed with time. She would tell me how many minutes until her favorite tv show came on. She would give us a constant commentary of how many minutes ago we left the store and included a stream of questions about how many minutes until we got home. At first I thought she was just learning about time in school and tried to humor her as best I could. Then I realized this fascination was beginning to consume her every thought. I finally said to her one day, "Honey, do you know that there is no such thing as time?" She looked at me like I had ten heads! "Marley, time is a man made concept. There is no such thing." (I amaze myself when I come out with these motherly gems!) After she marinated on that one, her obsession seemed to lessen.


So if time is a man made concept, why are we humans so utterly controlled by it?


My husband is from a tropical island and he lives on "island time all the time". We have been so late so many times and embarrassed by his perpetual tardiness so often that two things have happened. First of all, I almost always tell him that we have to be somewhere at least 30 minutes earlier than the actual time. It's not really lying. It's more of a self-preservation technique to keep this family moving. (My favorite saying is that he'll be late for his own funeral.) And secondly, I have swung completely in the opposite direction and am constantly ordering everyone around so that we can get somewhere early or at least on time.


It frequently seems that I never have enough time to get anything done. And its not that I'm disorganized. I just don't know where the time goes. Everyone feels like this from time to time, no pun intended. Kind of like when you've been cruising around 'face book' and you look up to see that hours have passed and you don't know where the time went. How about the old saying, "Time flies when you're having fun."


Then there is the opposite. Like when you're sitting in a meeting and all you can think about is what you're doing after work. Time drags. What's worse? Time flying or time dragging?

Are there ways to control time?


I'm a certified Medicinal Aromatherapist and one of the essences that I love and have been working with a lot is Palo Santo. This is a very powerful essence often used by Native Americans. She allows for a very deep meditation. But her most amazing quality is that she warps time. Yep, you read that right. She has the ability to slow time down and bend it. I never would have believed it myself if I hadn't experienced it firsthand.


Recently I had an event that I didn't want to end and I wanted to be present for every moment. I took out my beloved 'Palo' and applied her to my third eye, asking her to do just what I needed her to do. And she did. Time seemed to slow and maybe even disappear. I was grateful for her divine grace.

Last night I was watching a show on the Discovery Channel about Time Travel and how scientists are starting to prove that it is possible. I can barely get my mind to even listen to some of these concepts but I was so fascinated that I couldn't turn away! When they talk about space and time as the same thing, my mind goes crazy trying to understand! I can't possibly comprehend most of these mathematical space/time concepts. Still, why am I so obsessed?

Maybe it is because I wish I could go back in time and change my own mind. How do I know I haven't already whispered into my own 17 year old ear and helped her with a decision? Haven't we all wished we could do at least one thing differently in our lives and wondered how a different decision would have molded the rest of our lives? Have you ever thought about one sweet moment in your life so much that you felt like you were actually reliving it? I can remember the moment my son was born like it happened yesterday. Or the last memory of my father alive. The last thing we ever did together was swim in the ocean. When I miss him dearly, I conjure up that memory and can still feel how cool the water was and hear his laugh mixed with the waves. Isn't that a sort of time travel?

Yoga teaches us that the only reality is the present and that even the present is a veil of illusion. Science is teaching us that the past, present and future exist all at the same time. Somehow, when I wrap my time-warped mind around it, both seem possible.

Now if I can just get the damn Delorean up to 88 miles per hour......

Highest Good

"Please allow that the outcome of this situation is in the Highest Good of all involved."


That's my latest, regular prayer. That's some heavy shit right there. Read that prayer again, but insert it into your own life, then breathe.


"Highest Good" is a concept that I have only been actively using over the last few years. Let me tell you, this is no easy prayer. First of all, what's in the "highest good of all" may not include your immediate good, nor may it involve anything that you even want out of the situation. Most of us don't really even know what we want, we only think we know what we want. That's why I like this prayer. Hey, I have a hard time making decisions. Why not turn them over to The Big Guy? (see The Big Guy http://shootingstaryoga.blogspot.com/2010/06/big-guy.html )


This prayer involves a H~U~G~E amount of faith. Did I mention HUGE? You can't pray this prayer if you don't have any faith, or even a wavering faith in a Higher Power. It's impossible. Your ego will fight you every step of the way. The ego hates this prayer because it knows that you are completely surrendering a difficult situation and it's outcome over to an unseen force. Completely surrendering. Completely surrendering. Completely surrendering. (Hard to write and read, never mind actually do) You have to get yourself out of the way for this prayer to work. Here's where I frequently fall short.

My mother keeps telling me that at the moment of death all of your life's questions are answered. I'm not sure I can wait that long. But I keep praying for the highest good, hoping that all of this life crap works out in the end. And I keep praying for strong faith that someone, somewhere knows what She is doing up there.

I've worked on my faith a lot over the past several years. It seems that I have the most faith when I need something or want a particular outcome and lose all faith when things go astray. This prayer doesn't allow me room for wavering or losing faith. And I mean, sure, I still have those moments of human doubt but I have to admit I've done a much better job lately of talking to my maker on a regular basis, instead of only when I need something. Just like a typical kid, huh? Plus when I pray this sentence, I'm reminded that I'm not alone on this planet. That someone else may need the outcome of a situation I'm in to turn out differently. That's a rough one to swallow depending on the situation. But even then, I put myself in a situation where the faith kicks in. Faith that there is an energy out there greater than me who knows more than me. Thank Goddess for that, right?!

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And it helps to have a sense of humor. God frequently seems to like stand up comedy with me as His punchline. I said to a friend recently who was not happy about his current state of affairs that he should just trust that the outcome of his dilemma would work out in the "big plan". His response, which included a combined sigh and laugh, was, "I'd like to have a look at those plans!"

Down, Dog!

Everything I need to know about Yoga I learned from my dog....

We have a yellow lab named Lola. She is only about 16 months old and she is the second dog in this family. She's named after the Jimmy Buffett song "Frank and Lola" (see Parrothead Yoga http://shootingstaryoga.blogspot.com/2010/06/parrothead-yoga.html)

Our first dog was a beautiful, rare Viszla mix, named Tucker. We rescued him through an arduous adoption process that included my husband getting up at 2am on adoption morning in order to get a spot in line that would guarantee this family a puppy. I got up at 1:30am that morning, packed him a cooler full of breakfast and coffee and told him not to come home until he got a dog. We looked at each other, shook our heads and laughed; another escapade in the story of our family. We lost Tucker, tragically, less than a year later when he was only 13 months old. He ran out into the street in front of our house and was killed instantly when he was hit by a car. It was the most painful event this little family has ever experienced. Even now, over a year later, we still grieve his loss.

Baby Tucker

I know that everything happens for a reason and it makes me feel better to think that his death brought Lola to our lives. About 10 days after we lost Tucker, I had arranged another dog adoption. This time the rescue group seemed less than legitimate, but they had promised me a yellow, female puppy. Now we found ourselves meeting a stranger and her dirty box van in the parking lot of a shady motel in the dark of night. When she opened the back door, at the top of a pile of filthy crates full of animals she had driven all the way from Georgia to Connecticut, was a silly looking yellow critter who appeared to be laughing at us.

Elijah and Lola on the night we brought her home.

The first thing we noticed, besides how filthy she was, was that she had "sad eyes" but seemed to be always smiling at us. It's this combination of sadness and silliness that endeared her to us so much, so quickly.

She turned out to be a really good dog. She's smart, she listens, and she is a comedian. When she was a puppy I wanted to train her to ride in the car as much as possible. That came to a screeching halt after she decided the only place for her to ride was on my lap with her paws on the steering wheel. She helped ease the pain of losing Tucker. She let's the kids climb all over her and love her. She has never once nipped at them no matter what they do to her. Sometimes she will walk up to me with a spy gadget attached to her collar if the kids need another participant in a secret agent game. She still smiles. She'll sleep with anyone of us if we are sad and need a warm body to cuddle up next to and she'll smile at you after the nap.

Nap Time

She never judges me when the house is a mess. She helps with the laundry by laying on it. She only eats when she's hungry. She will nag you to death until you stop doing housework so that you can play with her and then she will only play until she gets bored. She is over 50lbs now but still thinks she is a lap dog. We take a lot of pictures and videos of her because we didn't do that with Tucker. And she is always happy.

She rescued us far more than we could have ever rescued her.

On the Dark Side

"From out of a shadow she walked like a dream...."


I have been away from home and my practice for almost three weeks. This is the longest time I have been away from my "life", probably, ever. Whenever I go on vacation I usually take a break from asana (posture practice) and focus on the other, deeper, practices of Yoga. This time I have been focusing on darkness. Yep, darkness.


I know that sounds creepy, dismal and weird but it has been quite enlightening. This exploration of darkness started the day before we left. We had a tornado in Litchfield and the kids and I drove up right behind it. I knew then that it foreshadowed what was to come. Right before we left on our 3,000 mile road trip, I received horrible news in the mail, and it has been pretty much downhill since. This includes an emergency room visit for pink eye, a pulled groin, strep throat and other assorted life nuisances including coming home to a flea infested home.


But my real exploration has been in the human side of darkness; how does darkness exhibit itself in humans?


I have a horrible mean streak that I absolutely despise about myself. I have worked on killing that damn thing for most of my life and on only really bad days does it ever show itself. It is the darkest place in my being and I work at lighting up everything else to keep that shadow hidden.


Some people are great at putting others down. That's darkness. I spent a majority of this summer with my mother. No matter what clothing I had on, she would look me up and down with a scowl on her face. This is new behavior for her but she has a huge dark side so it didn't surprise me when her darkness exhibited itself like that.


I have another family member that is obsessed with designer labels. It's not even about good quality, she just loves to show off like those brand names. This is a huge darkness of the ego; "Everyone will respect you more if they see you wearing that."


I have a friend that is a huge chain smoker. Talk about darkness! How can you shine your light when you are surrounded by a cloud of smoke!


These were just a few of my observations over the last few weeks. And I'm not judging, really. These are just observations from this point of view. The issue resides with how you deal with your dark side and balancing your dark with your light as well as how do you continue to stand in your light when faced with other's dark sides. Here's where the work is. During my little observations, I found that it was hard to focus on someone's light when I was looking for their darkness. I also noticed that my dark side liked it when I was focusing on someone else's darkness. Misery loves company, right? And, vice versa. When I found myself standing in someone else's light, my light shined even brighter.


I bumped into an old friend recently who definitely has a shadow side. This is someone who loves life and wants to experience it all, both good and bad. But this person is so filled with light that the shadow doesn't seem so dark. It was more like that sensuous swirl of yin and yang; an equal play of dark and light. It was in the fascination of witnessing this dance of light that started my exploration. I couldn't help but think that this friend was a light worker and didn't even know it.... And even though I was looking for the dark side of this soul, there was a light shining so bright that I found my own light trying to equal it's luminescence.

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The solitary tree in a meadow will continue to grow towards the sun no matter how deep it's roots extend into the earth. If that tree grows to more than 100 feet in the air and even if no other trees grow near it, it will still cast a shadow. But it will continue to strive towards the sun.

Find your light and grow towards it. You will, from time to time, still cast a shadow. But the more you shine your light, the smaller your shadow will be.

YO! Adrienne!

I have a guardian angel and her name is Adrienne.

Up until about 3 years ago I didn't believe in angels. At all. Total hogwash, if you had asked me. And the thing is they were trying to get my attention. When we were packing up to move from our condo into our current home 7 years ago I came across a sizable medallion of AA Michael slaying the dragon in my kitchen drawer. I had never seen it before and no one, including my hyper-superstitious mother-in-law, owned up to putting it there. We lived in that condo for 6 years, and I had never seen it until we were packing to leave. In this house I keep him on the window sill above the kitchen sink so I can see him everyday.

When I opened my Yoga studio 3 years ago, the space was full of dark energy. Negative vibrations filled every nook and cranny so I hired a sound healer to come and clear the space. This was a trauma filled afternoon where I actually had physical reactions to the energy being released. At one point the healer held a Tibetan brass bowl near my throat. As she sounded the bowl she looked in my eyes and smiled, saying, "This is the sound the angels ride in on". At that moment I had a fluttering sensation in my throat so strong it was as if I had swallowed a small bird. In that moment I found my belief in the angel realm. I was as incredulous in this belief as the holiday commercial when the M&M's intrude upon Santa and one of them cries, "He really does exist!".

A month or so after this experience, I was sitting in the car at our grocery store thinking about angels and my belief system when out of a clear blue fall sky came a large white feather floating down without a bird in sight. This was a feather the size of a seagulls and I live in the foothills of the Berkshire mountains. We never get seagulls here.

So these validations stayed with me but I had no idea what to do with them. I knew my father had believed in angels and he told us repeatedly that his guardian angel was named George. When I asked him how he knew he said, "I just asked him his name and he told me". So I started asking for my angel to tell me his/her name. I started calling out to them. "Hello? Anyone home with wings on?" But I never got an answer. I asked other people and they told me the same thing. Ask and you shall receive. Still nothing.

Then one day, my beautiful business partners were doing an energy healing on me. During the healing, in my mind's eye I saw this amazing angel hovering near my left side. He was the most beautiful man I had ever seen and I knew that somehow he was protecting me. And he could communicate with me. I asked him what his name was and he told me, "Michael. But you already knew that." Near my right foot there was a magnificent female angel. So I asked Michael, "Is she mine?" He replied, "Yes." I asked him what her name was and he told me, "Adrienne". At that point Michael moved further away from me but stayed present as Adrienne took over. After the healing, I felt so much peace just knowing that someone, anyone, was watching out for me, just me.

Since then, I occasionally feel her near me. Mostly standing behind me. She is very tall; probably eight feet. And she is beautiful. I know that she is protecting me. Sometimes I call out to her but I still haven't gotten comfortable with making this a regular practice. So I have been practicing. And, no, I don't yell, "YO! Adrienne!", although I think she gets a kick out of that.

Recently, I have been getting a calling to advance my gifts and career (stay tuned for how exactly!) and Monday I saw an ad for a course that seemed to fit just what I was looking to do. But I was nervous about this particular course, not sure if it was the right one that I was being called to. So I asked Adrienne to send me a sign. "Please" I implored her, "guide me to the right path and if this is it, please show me a sign". All week I have been looking. Nothing. I have been waiting somewhat patiently. Nothing. I asked again, nicely. Nothing. Until last night.

The kids had a play at camp and I parked in the parking lot, unloaded the chairs and food, and went to set up. I made several trips back and forth to the car on the same path. As we were getting ready to leave I saw a hand painted sign by the end parking space. I had passed it 5 times and not seen it. It said, "Adrienne Parking Only" and there was a little star painted above her name. It was all the validation that I needed.

The Big Guy

Warning! Warning! The following may contain material that is offensive to some folks. I may use the word "God"....

Seriously, the following contains my personal interpretations. There may be errors.

I was running errands the other day and was searching the radio for some decent music and I came across George Harrison singing "My Sweet Lord". I stopped on that station and actually sat still for a moment in the car just taking it in. When the song was over I realized that the station I was listening to this ancient Sanskrit chant on was the local Catholic station. The funny thing about this is that the Church has frowned upon Yoga as "they" feel that folks are substituting Yoga for traditional religion.

I was born and raised to be a good Catholic girl. I went to Catholic high school and even wore the dreaded plaid skirt for four years. But I was a huge doubting Thomas. When my husband and I met in college I was pretty bummed when he dragged me to church every Sunday. He, also raised Catholic, is devout, not the doubting Thomas kind. His devotion was what endeared him to my parents and I knew that it was so very important to him that I went willingly every week. We had to walk at least ten blocks to get to church from our dorm and on the way back we would stop at Brook's Pharmacy in Cranston, RI to pick up our afternoon snacks; the awful Bugles chip things. But I diverge...

So I have pretty much floundered around my religion all my life and had no spirituality at all until Yoga. When I started to practice nearly 8 years ago, I started to have these "interactions", if you will, with Christ during asana. I really couldn't explain it at the time and I kept it to myself. I thought that if I shared these experiences with anyone they would have me committed. But it was these interactions with the Christ energy that opened the door to my spirituality. Once that door was opened, I found that I was starving and I had to feed that hunger or die.

I started reading, voraciously, anything that seemed to satisfy any part of that hunger. Since Yoga was the path that this incarnation chose to take to move towards the Light, it was the Yoga books and scriptures that I read. When I read Paramahansa Yogananda's "Autobiography of a Yogi" I finally understood why Christ was communing with me during practice. Paramahansa explains so eloquently in his teachings that Christ is considered by many to be an incarnation of Krishna. My own guru has often explained many of the connections between Christ and Krishna. Just the CHR/KR sound of the name is no coincidence. Both are considered the love light energy and many Hindus revere Christ for this. Once I started to open my body, there suddenly was room for His love and light to enter. He must have been trying to get in for a long time and He jumped when the opportunity to meet me presented itself!

It was about the time when I finished "Autobiography" that I started to notice that when we went to church, things that I have heard a priest say for my entire life, I started to hear differently. All of a sudden I was understanding my mass. I had a deeper appreciation for my own religion. I was able to embrace Christ as real. Real. Somehow, suddenly, through Yoga, I believed.

Christ is what Yogis consider a Siddhic Yogi; one who obtains great powers. Walking on water, bi-location, multiplying food, etc. These feats are frequently spoken of in Yogic scriptures. These feats are what made Christ both man and deity. These feats, as taught in The Bhagavad Gita, are accessible to all humans. This is one of the things about Hinduism that I adore. God is not unobtainable. God is in you, you just have to know where to look. Yoga is the science that teaches you how to find the divine light within you.

It doesn't matter what you call IT. God. Love. Shiva. David. Universe. Krishna. Parvati. Ganesha. Energy. Light. The Big Guy. It's all the same, people! This is where I have come in my quest to merge into the Light. You don't need to name it. You just have to have an open heart and an open mind. Once that door is open, the light floods in.

In the past 8 years I have been blessed to be in the presence of an enlightened being, my beloved guru, Shri Anandi Ma, many times. I have seen Her enter into samadhi. I have had Her hands on my head blessing me and removing the karma of all my past lives. I have drunk the sacred milk that has bathed Her feet. And I believe. I believe that God exists. Christ said, "Blessed are those who believe but have not seen." I guess it took me a little longer and He must have known that I needed a little bit more prodding and so he sent me to Her. Sometimes I wonder if all the events of my life led me to my teacher....

I still flounder when it comes to the teachings of man disguised as the word of God. I think, in this day and age, many of us do. I also think it is wise to have a healthy dose of skepticism and modern day Christ would probably agree. And the more I know, the less I understand. It's just that I have found a place of peace in my life where I finally have some blind faith in a power greater than myself. (And it doesn't hurt that I am blessed to have the guidance of a living saint.)

We are raising our children Catholic, of course. We are regulars at our church and I am proud of that. I am grateful that I have an understanding of Christ that allows me to introduce Him to my children in a different way than I met Him. I want them to see God in everyone and every culture. When they were little, about 4 and 5 years old, we drove past the Buddhist temple every day to work. One morning one of them asked me, as we passed that statue of Buddha, "Who is that?" And I replied, "That's a friend of Jesus." It was a spontaneous answer and I was amazed at my own insight as a mother. And that is how we have approached religion since. Just recognizing that Christ is in everyone and that everyone has the ability to become Christ-like is all I need to know to raise them in faith.

There is a recording of Swami Kripalu giving a lecture where he emphatically states this phrase: "God IS! God IS!". You can hear the ferocity of his belief. The force of the prana behind his voice crying this out was overwhelmingly powerful. It has never left me since first hearing it several years ago.

I am continually blessed with experiences in the presence of my Guru and teachings of other enlightened masters. I know that the blessing of my Guru is a gift directly from God and I am grateful. I also know that my path may not be your path and that is okay. I am amused by the Catholic church's view on Yoga but I still go to mass. So although I could probably get excommunicated for believing that my beloved teacher is a Goddess walking the earth, the fact remains that I believe. And isn't that the only thing that truly matters?