Which Do/Be Youbie?

'To be or not to be?' This truly is the question, now isn't it?

I have had a lot of brand new students to my classes lately. This is a wonderful thing and brings me incredible joy. It really pushes me to get back into my 'Beginner's Mind' and to try to remember what 'downward facing dog' felt like that first time. Newbies force me to check my languaging; to find more creative ways of leading a posture or breath. Plus there is that bliss of bringing others to the path that has given me so much passion and Love. I have always said that even if I can only bring this passion and Love to one other person, then I have done what God has asked. Hopefully it will be way more than one.

But as a human and an instructor there is an element of newbies that intrigues me. It is the energy of their postures. Rarely do I see a beginner that, as corny and cliche as it sounds, IS a posture. This is something that I usually only see from seasoned students or other Yoga instructors. And I do know how truly corny this does sound. I am one of those folks who thinks a lot of stuff is corny and weird and to 'be the posture' is probably the absolute corniest thing I can say as a teacher.

But there is Truth in it.

You can either DO or BE. You have the choice. Some days I just 'do' but most times, in my Yoga practice at least, I 'be'. On days that I 'do' Yoga, I am usually tired and in a lot of pain. When, in those moments, I am able to give in to the Prana suddenly I will find myself not doing but being. Here is the magic of Yoga. Surrendering to Prana takes a huge leap of faith and trust in the unknown. I mean, what the hell is prana anyway?!? It's the same as asking, "What is electricity?" But you trust that when you flip the switch that the lights will come on. Prana is the same thing. Flip the prana switch and the Light will come on. Maybe it is that unconscious fear of the Light that causes us to just 'do'.... (Hmmm, I'm gonna ponder on that one for a bit...)

'Being a posture' has an energy behind it that is hard to describe but you can see it in a beginner's frame. When an arm is up over the head but is not energized, it looks dead. The energy actually stops where the Prana is stuck. Try this: flex your feet towards your face. Feel the energy in that simple movement? Now let go of the flexion. Feel how the energy 'dies'? This is what I'm referring to. And you may not feel anything at all. That's ok, but this story will seem really weird if that's the case...

Lots of times the do/be shows in the face. The 'do' student often has the uncertain 'deer in the headlights' fear look. When you see the awake student 'being a posture', Light actually radiates from the face. They glow from the inside out. The Prana switch has been flipped on! Jai! (victory!)

So now the question is posed again: To be or not to be? Are you a human doing or a human being? Are you holding the posture or is the posture holding you? Personally, I'd rather be shining Light than not, but that's just me. So I'm going to BE. BE ME!!

Now you decide, for now at least. At some point you may not have a choice. As 'A Course In Miracles' declares, "This is a required course. Only the time you take it is voluntary. Free will does not mean that you can establish the curriculum. It means only that you can elect what you want to take at a given time."

Do or be?

The Big Guy

Warning! Warning! The following may contain material that is offensive to some folks. I may use the word "God"....

Seriously, the following contains my personal interpretations. There may be errors.

I was running errands the other day and was searching the radio for some decent music and I came across George Harrison singing "My Sweet Lord". I stopped on that station and actually sat still for a moment in the car just taking it in. When the song was over I realized that the station I was listening to this ancient Sanskrit chant on was the local Catholic station. The funny thing about this is that the Church has frowned upon Yoga as "they" feel that folks are substituting Yoga for traditional religion.

I was born and raised to be a good Catholic girl. I went to Catholic high school and even wore the dreaded plaid skirt for four years. But I was a huge doubting Thomas. When my husband and I met in college I was pretty bummed when he dragged me to church every Sunday. He, also raised Catholic, is devout, not the doubting Thomas kind. His devotion was what endeared him to my parents and I knew that it was so very important to him that I went willingly every week. We had to walk at least ten blocks to get to church from our dorm and on the way back we would stop at Brook's Pharmacy in Cranston, RI to pick up our afternoon snacks; the awful Bugles chip things. But I diverge...

So I have pretty much floundered around my religion all my life and had no spirituality at all until Yoga. When I started to practice nearly 8 years ago, I started to have these "interactions", if you will, with Christ during asana. I really couldn't explain it at the time and I kept it to myself. I thought that if I shared these experiences with anyone they would have me committed. But it was these interactions with the Christ energy that opened the door to my spirituality. Once that door was opened, I found that I was starving and I had to feed that hunger or die.

I started reading, voraciously, anything that seemed to satisfy any part of that hunger. Since Yoga was the path that this incarnation chose to take to move towards the Light, it was the Yoga books and scriptures that I read. When I read Paramahansa Yogananda's "Autobiography of a Yogi" I finally understood why Christ was communing with me during practice. Paramahansa explains so eloquently in his teachings that Christ is considered by many to be an incarnation of Krishna. My own guru has often explained many of the connections between Christ and Krishna. Just the CHR/KR sound of the name is no coincidence. Both are considered the love light energy and many Hindus revere Christ for this. Once I started to open my body, there suddenly was room for His love and light to enter. He must have been trying to get in for a long time and He jumped when the opportunity to meet me presented itself!

It was about the time when I finished "Autobiography" that I started to notice that when we went to church, things that I have heard a priest say for my entire life, I started to hear differently. All of a sudden I was understanding my mass. I had a deeper appreciation for my own religion. I was able to embrace Christ as real. Real. Somehow, suddenly, through Yoga, I believed.

Christ is what Yogis consider a Siddhic Yogi; one who obtains great powers. Walking on water, bi-location, multiplying food, etc. These feats are frequently spoken of in Yogic scriptures. These feats are what made Christ both man and deity. These feats, as taught in The Bhagavad Gita, are accessible to all humans. This is one of the things about Hinduism that I adore. God is not unobtainable. God is in you, you just have to know where to look. Yoga is the science that teaches you how to find the divine light within you.

It doesn't matter what you call IT. God. Love. Shiva. David. Universe. Krishna. Parvati. Ganesha. Energy. Light. The Big Guy. It's all the same, people! This is where I have come in my quest to merge into the Light. You don't need to name it. You just have to have an open heart and an open mind. Once that door is open, the light floods in.

In the past 8 years I have been blessed to be in the presence of an enlightened being, my beloved guru, Shri Anandi Ma, many times. I have seen Her enter into samadhi. I have had Her hands on my head blessing me and removing the karma of all my past lives. I have drunk the sacred milk that has bathed Her feet. And I believe. I believe that God exists. Christ said, "Blessed are those who believe but have not seen." I guess it took me a little longer and He must have known that I needed a little bit more prodding and so he sent me to Her. Sometimes I wonder if all the events of my life led me to my teacher....

I still flounder when it comes to the teachings of man disguised as the word of God. I think, in this day and age, many of us do. I also think it is wise to have a healthy dose of skepticism and modern day Christ would probably agree. And the more I know, the less I understand. It's just that I have found a place of peace in my life where I finally have some blind faith in a power greater than myself. (And it doesn't hurt that I am blessed to have the guidance of a living saint.)

We are raising our children Catholic, of course. We are regulars at our church and I am proud of that. I am grateful that I have an understanding of Christ that allows me to introduce Him to my children in a different way than I met Him. I want them to see God in everyone and every culture. When they were little, about 4 and 5 years old, we drove past the Buddhist temple every day to work. One morning one of them asked me, as we passed that statue of Buddha, "Who is that?" And I replied, "That's a friend of Jesus." It was a spontaneous answer and I was amazed at my own insight as a mother. And that is how we have approached religion since. Just recognizing that Christ is in everyone and that everyone has the ability to become Christ-like is all I need to know to raise them in faith.

There is a recording of Swami Kripalu giving a lecture where he emphatically states this phrase: "God IS! God IS!". You can hear the ferocity of his belief. The force of the prana behind his voice crying this out was overwhelmingly powerful. It has never left me since first hearing it several years ago.

I am continually blessed with experiences in the presence of my Guru and teachings of other enlightened masters. I know that the blessing of my Guru is a gift directly from God and I am grateful. I also know that my path may not be your path and that is okay. I am amused by the Catholic church's view on Yoga but I still go to mass. So although I could probably get excommunicated for believing that my beloved teacher is a Goddess walking the earth, the fact remains that I believe. And isn't that the only thing that truly matters?

Where the Magic Happens.

Yoga. You either love it or hate it.

One of my newer students came up to me at the end of class the other night and thanked me for holding postures. I smiled to myself as she walked away.

There is a growing trend in America to speed up Yoga, as only we Americans love to do. Faster means better, right? Faster cars. Faster Internet. Faster stove tops, even. And don't get me wrong, there are many times in my own practice when I love to have a faster practice. But, when it comes to Yoga, faster does not necessarily mean better.

I teach Kripalu Yoga; the Yoga of compassion. The Sanskrit translation of "kripalu" actually is "compassion". We were taught in Yoga school to take integrative pauses between postures so that the prana (life-force energy) has time to be absorbed into the body. This pause is an act of self-compassion. It gives your body time to re-energize. The prana is created through the movement or postures (asanas) and the breathing circulates the prana. When you take a pause to just breathe between postures, the healing energy that the asana generated has time to work.

Each asana has its own prana and energetic story. Even the name of the posture has a specific vibration that contributes to the overall prana of the asana. Take "Utkatasana" for example. We Americans love to translate this as "Chair Pose" when the actual Sanskrit translation of "utkata" is large, immense, and spacious. Feel the energetic difference between "chair" and "spacious". So when you are holding utkatasana for more than one breath, which is a challenge for many of us, it can be more liberating to think about being immense and spacious than to think about sitting in a chair.

Most of the advanced yogis and yoginis I know hold postures for long lengths of time. When was the last time you were in a class where you held utkatasana for 5 minutes? 10 minutes? If you are a regular practitioner your muscles are probably having a visceral response just by reading this. You can probably feel your quads burning.

It is in this holding where the magic happens. It is in the holding when we feel the resistance. This is where we get to explore why and what we are resisting. Maybe, just maybe, then, in this holding we can find the answers. It is in this energetic story of the asana that occurs during the holding where we can experience both a response in the annamaya kosha (physical sheath) as well in the manomaya kosha (mind sheath). With a deep exploration of the responses that are experienced in the holding, one can gain greater growth, both physically and spiritually.

Here's where I think a practice that involves only fast movement fails. In my limited experience of Yoga, I have found that folks who tell me they "hate" Yoga say the reason they hate it is because it's "too slow". What they really hate is the self-exploration that the holding brings. In the continuous fast movement being marketed as "Yoga" these days, you can easily avoid the self-exploration for which the science of traditional Yoga was developed. And I'm sure you get quite a bit of physical benefit from a non-holding practice but my ego says, "Why do a practice where there's no spiritual growth?" But, hey, that's my ego talking....

It is in the holding when we are allowed to feel the sweet spot of release. This is what addicted me to this practice. The first time I felt my body release into a posture was the first time I felt bliss. Bliss is like a divine drug. This heavenly high expands consciousness, the ultimate goal, and is what keeps most of us on the path towards enlightenment.

So, if you are a Yoga hater, explore what it is that you hate. And if you are a Yoga lover and happen to love a vigorous practice know that a slow practice can be just as challenging; try holding chair for 10 minutes.... And whether you love it or hate it, remember that the answers lie in the resistance.

The Real Lesson

I only have one more class to teach at my Yoga studio.



Closing it down has been an interesting observation of human behavior. I did all my grieving and mourning when I first made the decision to close down. It was a painful display of boo-hooing, let me tell you. But since the tears dried up and I have come to sweet peace over my decision, I have been observing other people's reactions and then, as a true yogini, my reactions to their reactions.


This has gone from watching students cry over it, "Where am I going to practice?" To the dumbfounded stares, "But it's such a beautiful space." To students bringing in disposable cameras they picked up on the way over to take photos of the space. Oh, and then there's the pout with the "it's too bad it didn't work out" comment attached to the pout.


That last one has been making me laugh. The first time someone said it I had no idea what they were talking about. I actually said, "What didn't work out?" From my point of view, everything worked out exactly as it was supposed to. I did the job that the universe called me there to do. Heal the space.


This was no small job either, by the way. This was a very large space in pain. The space and the students attending there needed healing. I didn't realize this was the job I was called there to do until well after I was already there. That's just the way God rolls with me.


Now, it's not the space or the students who need me. It's me who needs me. That is truly the basis for my decision to close. And although there is part of me who is still melancholy over this transition, I got the ultimate validation last evening during class.


In order to save money on babysitting I bring my children to the studio with me when I teach. They are forced to stay in my little office watching tv or playing their video games. Marley, my 7 year old daughter, likes to do arts and crafts with my office supplies and my 9 year old son, Elijah, usually can't take his eyes off of his DS. In the beginning, they would sneak out of the office to watch my class through the curtains. They would be making noise and I would be panicking, wondering if the students were angry about my kids ruining their peace. After a while, they got used to staying in the office and, truth be told, there have been very few times when they weren't perfect during class.


Last night when we got to the studio my daughter begged me for something she has never begged me for before. She asked to take my class. That old panic set in. What if she got ansty? What would the students think? Ugh. Well, I relented and actually told her yes. She set up her mat, blocks, blanket and pillow. Then she layed down on her mat and fell asleep, during class. When I began to lead class, she would reach out and hold my hand or stroke my arm, while sucking her thumb. So sweet and loving is this girl.


About 45 minutes into class, I heard Elijah sneaking down the long hall. He was trying to get my attention. I was back at that anxiety ridden fear place again. What is he doing? The students are going to get mad. Then I realised that he wanted to join class. He brought down his two blankets and sat down next to me. And he followed along. He was actually following my instruction, something that rarely happens when I am asking him to do chores. He was respectful of the practice, of me, and most importantly, of the students. And when he could, he too was reaching out to touch me.



And there we were, the three of us, facing my students and the students facing back. And it became clear to me. My students are such amazing gifts to me, my own teachers. I love them dearly whether they know it or not. But my children and being the best mother I can be is the sadhana that I was really called to earth for.


So as the three of us held hands and chanted aum, I was truly at peace.

Crap

I'm closing my Yoga studio this week.

Yep. Been there, done that. It's really about purging. Getting rid of anchors in my life. I'm a well-known pack-rat so this is a challenge. I'm completely at peace about closing it down. It's the "cleaning up and throwing out" that causes me so much anxiety. Actually touching each piece of paper and thing that has accumulated there over the last two and a half years makes me want to jump off of a bridge. How do we collect so much crap?

When I first really started to practice Yoga, I chose the Yama of Aparigraha as my control of choice; non-hoarding. And let me tell you, as a self-proclaimed pack-rat, this was no easy feat. I was able to begin to really observe how much crap I had but I have never really mastered the art of letting go of the said crap.

And the thing that I'm learning is; I already have what I need. Oh sure, I preach this to my students all the time but I'm a terrible student. I like to learn things the hard way. I didn't even learn this lesson when my sister's home burned to the ground on my 24th birthday and they had nothing but the clothes on their backs. They were all safe but they had nothing.

And now here I am, praying everyday for abundance. I heard myself tell a friend last week, "We have so much crap that we can't even appreciate what we have." WOW! That profound statement actually came out of my mouth????

It dawned on me that to truly have abundance, you have to let go of what is not serving you. Again, WOW.... I mean, I'm a Yankee, born and bred in New England. It is drilled into our heads since we're knee-high to grasshoppers, "Waste not, want not." How come it takes so long for that to sink in?

So, this week I am clearing away crap. Crap I don't need. Crap that will serve someone else better than it is currently serving me. And after I'm done closing down my studio and getting rid of crap there, I will begin to clear out the crap in the rest of my life.

To be continued....

Here's how it all began....

I’m 5’3” on a good hair day. When I began practicing Yoga over 7 years ago, I weighed about 200lbs and was a size twenty. I had just had two children in less than 18 months and was just looking for a gentle way to reclaim my body. Truth be told, I was really looking for some personal quiet time. I had no idea what yoga was. I had never even heard of it.

Yoga came to me as a complete accident of time and place. It was a 20 minute demo for my monthly Women’s Guild meeting at my church. I flat our refused to get on the floor for the demo but was humiliated by the room full of mostly 70-somethings telling me to get down with them. I followed their lead, got down on the floor and was changed forever. I decided to take the plunge and try an eight week session.

I can still recall vividly the terror I felt going to that first class. In fact, I was so scared that a few days before I actually did a dry run to the studio. And then the night of my first class came. I was uncomfortable in my clothes; not sure if I was wearing the “right” things. I was pretty sure that my ugly sweatpants were definitely not the “right” thing. I was petrified about being completely out of place. Do I go early or sneak in late? Where should I sit in class? Would people stare at me? Would I embarrass myself? What if I couldn’t keep up? Would I be brave enough to come back again? And the deafening thoughts went on….

One of the first things that struck me when I got to the studio was that the teacher seemed oblivious to my size. I don’t think she even picked up on my nervousness. I don’t remember too much else about the specifics of that class or the rest of that first eight week session. What I remember most is the sensations I started to feel in my body and distinct thoughts that started to arise.

I specifically remember a posture that my instructor loved to have us do almost every class: standing half moon. I remember one of those first classes and standing in that asana, which I thought at the time seemed to be an easy and harmless position, and tears started to roll down my face. I was overcome with sensation. It was not pain. It was sensation. The fact that I had tears rolling down my face was so startling to me. I knew something was happening to me, but I wasn’t sure what.

But at some point not far after that crying half moon, something miraculous happened. I began to submit. I started to surrender to those sensations. And although I may not have always loved the actual sensation I was experiencing, I learned to love the feeling of being alive in my body; my full body.

After the first eight weeks I still wasn’t sure what yoga was or why I was even going, but it was the dead of winter and I still wasn’t even close to any goals I had for my post-baby body. I convinced myself to hang in for another eight weeks. I figured if I could get through winter maybe I’d see some differences in the mirror.

Here’s what I didn’t count on: The differences weren’t only in the mirror. The differences were that I felt stronger. I had less pain in my body. I was building endurance. And I was actually becoming comfortable in my body. I was excited to go to class. The terror was gone. I was feeling great for about 3 days after class. And the benefits went on…

By this point I was addicted. Yoga was now part of my lifestyle. I became hungry for more knowledge of anything yoga. And I continued practicing. The lessons kept coming. I kept feeding my hunger for more yoga and about a year and half after that first class I received my calling to become a teacher.

Now that I am a full time yoga teacher, this life experience has become my greatest teaching tool. I know what it feels like to be in a larger body that isn’t always accepted in our culture. I know what it feels like to try and hide that body behind clothes and a big smile. And one of the side effects for me in a larger body was to be in my head so much that I couldn’t feel my body. I began to feel alive only when I started to feel sensations and energy moving in my body. This is one of the true lessons of yoga. It has nothing to do with contorting yourself like a pretzel or sporting the newest yoga gear to class. It is about feeling alive in the body you were given and loving that body with all of its’ perceived faults.

If you are a newbie to yoga and you live in a fuller body, have no fear! A good instructor will welcome you with open arms. The other students are not going to care. Find a beginner’s class and do a dry run for yourself. Check out the lay of the studio. Interview the instructor. Ask questions. It’s quite possible the instructor will not fully understand your plight, but a good teacher will understand yoga. And they will help you to find your comfort level. You may not be able to do every posture but you can modify for your body. Don’t be surprised if you have emotional releases. All humans hold old emotion in their bodies. If you have lived hiding your body behind your persona, all of that baggage will start to drop once you start moving your body.

If the thought of going to a class is too much for you, try an online class. Www.YogaVibes.com has many classes to choose from. There are plenty of free vignettes to explore in the privacy of your home. Start where you are. Most of the classes have short free portions so you can get an idea of the pace and style. This is a great place to start for a beginner.
And remember, whether in a class or at home, your full bodied postures will probably not look like the cover of a yoga magazine, but they will be your postures. And they will look beautiful on you!

You can join me and my full body in a Beginner’s Moderate Kripalu Flow Class on www.YogaVibes.com in the Beginner’s Vibe section.